Dark alleyway of “comments” section. Filled with violence and refuse. Or the glorious fan
section. Both make me queasy.

I’m not a fan. Just not a fan. I don’t care to have any or be one. I don’t care for the one up, one
downness of fandom and I always figure if I’m out there “oh wowing” someone else I could be
busy improving my own character or tending to my real friends.

There are people I admire and talent I appreciate. When I’m asked, and able, I encourage and
support good work. But I don’t have a lot of time to be a follower.

I really try to live my life from the inside out, not the outside in. I follow a spiritual program that
says never to compare our insides with someone else’s outsides. Good wisdom there.

Waves of glitzy, airbrushed and filtered, monetized vulnerability, performative compassion, and
vicious criticism show up every day in our feeds. So much ME-ness. Makes me tired.

How are you feeling today? Deep inside.

What unsatisfied longings do you still have for yourself? For the world? What keeps you up at
night? Gets you up in the morning? That’s what interests me.

And I don’t want the airbrushed version.

Here goes for me.

Today I’m feeling a bit scared. I have meaningful work to do and I feel anxious at times that I’m
not “together” enough to do it. I see so much fear around me and in me and it’s hard to work
when we’re afraid. Almost every day now feels a bit like waiting for a gulf hurricane landfall.
The outer bands are here already and in my gut I know that worse is coming.

There’s that heavy dread of watching an ugly army of men snatch people off of worksites and
out of airports and killing our neighbors in the streets and I find that no matter how hard I try I
cannot detach from that. And all we know to do is not enough. And we are not (yet) nearly the
equal of what it will take to stop this invasion.

Recently someone powerful and wealthy reached out and said “We’re really working on this
immigration issue. We need immigration reform. We’re working on the midterms. Come and
help us.”

A big ball of rage that started somewhere deep inside just flamed right out of me. The rage
from all the times I told him and his cohort – over and over. With stories and facts and figures
and long explanation and short pithy one liners and every other single way I knew how that this
was coming and we needed reform and NOW he wants me to jump in again.

No.

I said. Y’all made this mess. Paved the way for it. Voted for it. You missed a lot of “midterm”
moments and election opportunities. Because it suited you. Now it’s costing your business and
now you want reform? It’s going to take so much more power and money than I’ll ever have to
stop this atrocity. Your turn. You do it. You throw yourself into it and do all you know how to
do. You wage a war and try to stop this hurricane.

Leave me the fuck alone while I try to figure out how to care for our neighbors and somehow,
myself.

So, that’s where I am today. No time for fans or celebrities. Just friends.

Only friends.